MY REVIEW OF FIFTY SHADES.....

MY REVIEW OF FIFTY SHADES.....

***This is just MY opinion, since it is an opinion I do not expect everyone to agree with me, I am just going to express what I think of these books. I'm sure my opinion will not please everyone but that is why it is called MY review! AND WARNING THERE IS LANGUAGE IN THIS REVIEW THAT MAY NOT BE APROPRIATE FOR SOME READERS!!!!! ***


Every where I look lately I hear people talking or see people writing about Fifty shades of Grey. It seems to be taking over facebook and twitter, radio and every day conversations.  I couldn't resist all of the hype so I bit the bullet and decided to read it myself. I'm half the way through the third book now and to be honest, I'm still waiting to be intrigued.....

I felt so many emotions reading this book, and I assume it is the same for everyone. I went from liking it at some points, to unsure the next, to wondering wtf at some points, hoping there was going to be more of a story, a development in the characters and then to actually not really wanting to pick it up and finish it, but since I have to finish what I started I continued.

This book, now known as "mommy porn" based on it's fan base of mostly women over age 30, is definitely controversal.

Dont' get me wrong, Im all for controversal in this day in age!  I love the fact that E.L James (Erika Leonard) is pushing the envelope in the book she describes as her "midlife crisis" but on the other hand E.L.'s writing gets on my nerves! There are breaks in her narration that don't seem to make sense, her sentences are choppy, the email correspondence gets almost overbearing, and her characters and the book just seem underdeveloped and unrealistic.

Let's take the characters:

Christian Grey: The bad boy, billionaire who is not only rich but so good looking that every women in the book is rendered speechless, basically falling all over themselves just to look at him. A secret dominant man with deep, dark issues that only Anastasia can bring out of him. Our "Hero" of sorts, who enjoys beating and basically fucking women.  I think that pretty much covers the basics....oh and did I mention he was rich and extremely good looking?  I did? Good because it is repeated in this book all too often, so get used to it.

Then we have Anastasia Steele. Ana has such a weakness, she's sexually helpless and mindless and truly hopeless.  She is made out to be a ditz in my opinion, hopelessly wollowing in her own image and ideally comparing herself to others but somehow seems to do well in school and loves to read old literature. Oh and did I mention she is a 21 year old virgin, has never gotten drunk and apparently never even touched herself, but man can she have orgasms. She is just graduating university, but doesn't own a cell phone (blackberry) or laptop, both of which are provided to her later by Christian.

In the first book, the first chapter, basically the first thing we read is how she doesn't see herself as pretty, how her hair just won't behave and she's a "pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face". She curses her roommate for being sick and still beautiful. She is uncomfortable in her skin, clumsy (although only falls twice throughout the whole book) and she pretty much spends the rest of the book constantly putting herself down and relishing in the fact that someone as "good looking" as Christian can want her. She constantly refers to her "Inner Goddess", which I assume is either her pent up sexual frustration or a weird euphemism for her vagina. Her inner goddess always seems to be yelling "YES DO IT" to Ana, no matter what crazy ass thing is going on, while strutting around in heels, feather boas or lingerie. What's worse is constant tendency to always need to please Christian. Sure she tends to "kind of" stick up for herself outloud every now and then but then makes herself worry whether she said the right thing, and wondering if she caused him to be mad at her and want to beat her.  

Paragraphs like:
"I kind of like it the way it is,” I whisper. Is this going to make him mad?"

"Have I overstepped the mark? I have no idea. My heart sinks and I don’t know whether to say anything else or just let it go. I decide on the latter and follow him dutifully out of the restaurant."

"He slaps my behind, making me yelp. Hurry up with my food, wench. And later I’ll show you how wimpy I can be.”

oh and my favorite. Breaking up with the guy for basically beating her only to stop eating and crying about how she shouldn't have done it, then after getting back with the guy, deciding that maybe she likes "kinky fuckery" and even goes as far as using the line "a Christian Grey Fifty Shades punishment fuck. I really must misbehave more often."

Call me old fashioned, but where's the romance?  I mean if this was "real life" and Ana was a friend of mine I'd be telling her to kick his ass to the curb! What kind of person can watch a friend go through a relationship like that without saying anything? Constantly thinking if her actions will somehow "piss off" Christian? His possessiveness and control issues are insane! I mean come on, he bought out the company she was working for so he could "keep an eye" on her at work!  Sure some people get off on rough sex, the "kinky fuckery", using handcuffs and what not. There are even some great sex scenes in this book but when you can read a paragraph like the following, how do you not wonder - what the hell is this crazy ass woman thinking!!!!:

"I gape at my reflection. My wrists have a red welt around them from the handcuffs. No doubt they’ll bruise. I examine my ankles—more welts. Holy hell, I look like I’ve been in some sort of accident."

No doubt she isn't thinking, most of the time she is just trying to "wake up" from one of her many orgasms, which some how always leave her completely out of it, or she thinks things and never really says them outloud. I almost wish there was more of a challenge in her. She gets challenging in some points but then goes right back into "Oh my god what have I done/said" mode.

She spends the book trying to hard to change Christian, make him open up to her, get his issues out in the open, teach him and make him a better person.Really?? I'm sorry but if a guy ever looked at me and said that they pick women to be his submissives because they look like his crack whore mother and he likes to beat them and fuck them hard, all you would hear from me would be footsteps hastely retreating and a very loud door slam, I definitely wouldn't crawl into his lap and say oh the poor thing, you must have had such a horrible childhood don't worry I'm not going to leave you ever again!

Seriously have you ever heard a woman say something like this:
"Oh, Christian . . . my possessive, jealous, control freak Christian."

Like really?  If those are the words you are using to describe your boyfriend, honey you are with the wrong man!  Oh but she really does love him, all of his crazy insane tendencies and antics, his "playroom" where he takes his submissives to do "kinky fuckery", his love of tieing woman up and blindfolding them, making them scream, beating and spanking them.

She doesn't agree she wants to be his submissive, but will do anything for him because she is so in love and she can change him because he really is good deep down right?  Seriously I think that this woman alone just put feminism back 20 years.

Basically Ana sign's an NDA (Non Disclosure Agreement) and then is to sign a contract which basically depicts her as a sex slave, being there on weekends, not being able to look at or touch Christian, she must work out and eat properly and must never touch herself, as he wants to do all of the touching. Oh but wait, its a negotible contract! Does she negotiate?  Sure but definitely not the parts you would think! She asks to eat whatever she wants and workout less than he asks! Hell why not? She's going to agree to be beaten and not have any physical connection with the guy, might as well let her eat what she wants!

Being a virgin he has to of course have sex with her before she signs the contract, let her know what she's getting herself into. The girl has mutiple orgasms, five or six if I'm not mistaken, learns the art of deep throating (while never having ever done anything but make out before) and after her first time having sex, she begs him for more, then waking up the next morning barely sore from her wild night escapades. Just like real life *rolls eyes*

But enough about the characters and lack of story plot how about the writing?  Surely in order to sell over 10 million copies with an underdeveloped story and unrealistic characters she must be an amazing writer.....right?

One word I can use to sum this book up - repetative!

At least once in every chapter there are numerous times these words occur: murmur, raised eyebrows, eye rolling, pursed lips, flushing, blushing, whispering, the repeative curse words and my favorite "kinky fuckery". (How many times can you write that saying in a book and still manage to get it published?).  I guess the thesaurus can only give you so many words for heavy breathing, moaning and wild sex.

Serously, if I hear "oh my", "shit", "jeez" or "holy fill in the blank" (shit, fuck, crap, cow,  etc.) one more time, I may scream! Oh and don't forget the constant reminders of Christian's good looks and money (his helicopter, his private jet, penthouse apartment with crazy playroom full of toys, house in aspen and the
razy amount of money he dishes out for clothes, a blackberry and a mac. And Ana's constant flushing and arguments with her subconscious and inner goddess. If it wasn't for the sex scenes, I don't think that these books would have a whole lot of writing in them.

So what's my opinion.....

It's a wonderful story if you like kinky over the top sexual discriptions that tend to be repetative in their scenes. But I personally was waiting for the characters to develop more, a plot to come about, a story to actually progress in a direction that made the book...."more".

I think that this novel pretty much blurs the lines of sex, love, relationships, commitment, BDSM and erotica. It doesn't give a real meaning to any of them, just throws them all in the glass and hits the button on the blender, allowing it to mix and end up where ever it lands. It takes an unexperienced shy, clumsy virgin
throws her to the wolf to be tossed around, beaten, tied up, blindfolded and over sexed, only to learn that she secretly likes the kinky world but is absolutely terrified by the man she is with, hates her own appearance and spends the entire book trying to change him.

Throw in a helicopter crash, a fire, a dark secret and look you've got "erotica"!