MY REVIEW OF FIFTY SHADES.....
***This is just MY opinion, since it is an opinion I do not expect everyone to agree with me, I am just going to express what I think of these books. I'm sure my opinion will not please everyone but that is why it is called MY review! AND WARNING THERE IS LANGUAGE IN THIS REVIEW THAT MAY NOT BE APROPRIATE FOR SOME READERS!!!!! ***
Every where I look lately I hear people talking or see people writing about Fifty shades of Grey. It seems to be taking over facebook and twitter, radio and every day conversations. I couldn't resist all of the hype so I bit the bullet and decided to read it myself. I'm half the way through the third book now and to be honest, I'm still waiting to be intrigued.....
I felt so many emotions reading this book, and I assume it is the same for everyone. I went from liking it at some points, to unsure the next, to wondering wtf at some points, hoping there was going to be more of a story, a development in the characters and then to actually not really wanting to pick it up and finish it, but since I have to finish what I started I continued.
This book, now known as "mommy porn" based on it's fan base of mostly women over age 30, is definitely controversal.
Dont' get me wrong, Im all for controversal in this day in age! I love the fact that E.L James (Erika Leonard) is pushing the envelope in the book she describes as her "midlife crisis" but on the other hand E.L.'s writing gets on my nerves! There are breaks in her narration that don't seem to make sense, her sentences are choppy, the email correspondence gets almost overbearing, and her characters and the book just seem underdeveloped and unrealistic.
Let's take the characters:
Christian Grey: The bad boy, billionaire who is not only rich but so good looking that every women in the book is rendered speechless, basically falling all over themselves just to look at him. A secret dominant man with deep, dark issues that only Anastasia can bring out of him. Our "Hero" of sorts, who enjoys beating and basically fucking women. I think that pretty much covers the basics....oh and did I mention he was rich and extremely good looking? I did? Good because it is repeated in this book all too often, so get used to it.
Then we have Anastasia Steele. Ana has such a weakness, she's sexually helpless and mindless and truly hopeless. She is made out to be a ditz in my opinion, hopelessly wollowing in her own image and ideally comparing herself to others but somehow seems to do well in school and loves to read old literature. Oh and did I mention she is a 21 year old virgin, has never gotten drunk and apparently never even touched herself, but man can she have orgasms. She is just graduating university, but doesn't own a cell phone (blackberry) or laptop, both of which are provided to her later by Christian.
In the first book, the first chapter, basically the first thing we read is how she doesn't see herself as pretty, how her hair just won't behave and she's a "pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face". She curses her roommate for being sick and still beautiful. She is uncomfortable in her skin, clumsy (although only falls twice throughout the whole book) and she pretty much spends the rest of the book constantly putting herself down and relishing in the fact that someone as "good looking" as Christian can want her. She constantly refers to her "Inner Goddess", which I assume is either her pent up sexual frustration or a weird euphemism for her vagina. Her inner goddess always seems to be yelling "YES DO IT" to Ana, no matter what crazy ass thing is going on, while strutting around in heels, feather boas or lingerie. What's worse is constant tendency to always need to please Christian. Sure she tends to "kind of" stick up for herself outloud every now and then but then makes herself worry whether she said the right thing, and wondering if she caused him to be mad at her and want to beat her.
Paragraphs like:
"I kind of like it the way it is,” I whisper. Is this going to make him mad?"
"Have I overstepped the mark? I have no idea. My heart sinks and I don’t know whether to say anything else or just let it go. I decide on the latter and follow him dutifully out of the restaurant."
"He slaps my behind, making me yelp. Hurry up with my food, wench. And later I’ll show you how wimpy I can be.”
oh and my favorite. Breaking up with the guy for basically beating her only to stop eating and crying about how she shouldn't have done it, then after getting back with the guy, deciding that maybe she likes "kinky fuckery" and even goes as far as using the line "a Christian Grey Fifty Shades punishment fuck. I really must misbehave more often."
Call me old fashioned, but where's the romance? I mean if this was "real life" and Ana was a friend of mine I'd be telling her to kick his ass to the curb! What kind of person can watch a friend go through a relationship like that without saying anything? Constantly thinking if her actions will somehow "piss off" Christian? His possessiveness and control issues are insane! I mean come on, he bought out the company she was working for so he could "keep an eye" on her at work! Sure some people get off on rough sex, the "kinky fuckery", using handcuffs and what not. There are even some great sex scenes in this book but when you can read a paragraph like the following, how do you not wonder - what the hell is this crazy ass woman thinking!!!!:
"I gape at my reflection. My wrists have a red welt around them from the handcuffs. No doubt they’ll bruise. I examine my ankles—more welts. Holy hell, I look like I’ve been in some sort of accident."
No doubt she isn't thinking, most of the time she is just trying to "wake up" from one of her many orgasms, which some how always leave her completely out of it, or she thinks things and never really says them outloud. I almost wish there was more of a challenge in her. She gets challenging in some points but then goes right back into "Oh my god what have I done/said" mode.
She spends the book trying to hard to change Christian, make him open up to her, get his issues out in the open, teach him and make him a better person.Really?? I'm sorry but if a guy ever looked at me and said that they pick women to be his submissives because they look like his crack whore mother and he likes to beat them and fuck them hard, all you would hear from me would be footsteps hastely retreating and a very loud door slam, I definitely wouldn't crawl into his lap and say oh the poor thing, you must have had such a horrible childhood don't worry I'm not going to leave you ever again!
Seriously have you ever heard a woman say something like this:
"Oh, Christian . . . my possessive, jealous, control freak Christian."
Like really? If those are the words you are using to describe your boyfriend, honey you are with the wrong man! Oh but she really does love him, all of his crazy insane tendencies and antics, his "playroom" where he takes his submissives to do "kinky fuckery", his love of tieing woman up and blindfolding them, making them scream, beating and spanking them.
She doesn't agree she wants to be his submissive, but will do anything for him because she is so in love and she can change him because he really is good deep down right? Seriously I think that this woman alone just put feminism back 20 years.
Basically Ana sign's an NDA (Non Disclosure Agreement) and then is to sign a contract which basically depicts her as a sex slave, being there on weekends, not being able to look at or touch Christian, she must work out and eat properly and must never touch herself, as he wants to do all of the touching. Oh but wait, its a negotible contract! Does she negotiate? Sure but definitely not the parts you would think! She asks to eat whatever she wants and workout less than he asks! Hell why not? She's going to agree to be beaten and not have any physical connection with the guy, might as well let her eat what she wants!
Being a virgin he has to of course have sex with her before she signs the contract, let her know what she's getting herself into. The girl has mutiple orgasms, five or six if I'm not mistaken, learns the art of deep throating (while never having ever done anything but make out before) and after her first time having sex, she begs him for more, then waking up the next morning barely sore from her wild night escapades. Just like real life *rolls eyes*
But enough about the characters and lack of story plot how about the writing? Surely in order to sell over 10 million copies with an underdeveloped story and unrealistic characters she must be an amazing writer.....right?
One word I can use to sum this book up - repetative!
At least once in every chapter there are numerous times these words occur: murmur, raised eyebrows, eye rolling, pursed lips, flushing, blushing, whispering, the repeative curse words and my favorite "kinky fuckery". (How many times can you write that saying in a book and still manage to get it published?). I guess the thesaurus can only give you so many words for heavy breathing, moaning and wild sex.
Serously, if I hear "oh my", "shit", "jeez" or "holy fill in the blank" (shit, fuck, crap, cow, etc.) one more time, I may scream! Oh and don't forget the constant reminders of Christian's good looks and money (his helicopter, his private jet, penthouse apartment with crazy playroom full of toys, house in aspen and the
razy amount of money he dishes out for clothes, a blackberry and a mac. And Ana's constant flushing and arguments with her subconscious and inner goddess. If it wasn't for the sex scenes, I don't think that these books would have a whole lot of writing in them.
So what's my opinion.....
It's a wonderful story if you like kinky over the top sexual discriptions that tend to be repetative in their scenes. But I personally was waiting for the characters to develop more, a plot to come about, a story to actually progress in a direction that made the book...."more".
I think that this novel pretty much blurs the lines of sex, love, relationships, commitment, BDSM and erotica. It doesn't give a real meaning to any of them, just throws them all in the glass and hits the button on the blender, allowing it to mix and end up where ever it lands. It takes an unexperienced shy, clumsy virgin
throws her to the wolf to be tossed around, beaten, tied up, blindfolded and over sexed, only to learn that she secretly likes the kinky world but is absolutely terrified by the man she is with, hates her own appearance and spends the entire book trying to change him.
Throw in a helicopter crash, a fire, a dark secret and look you've got "erotica"!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
doing it myself....
As a single mom people do not realize that parenting is a full time job, we are both mother and father and then factor in that we have to work for a living as well and it's like doing three jobs at once.
Like any single mom my days are about my boys. My days basically consists of geting up by 7am, most nights not going to bed until after 11pm, lots and lots of laundry so they have clean clothes to wear since they get fithy most of the time with food, dirt, water or sand, paint, pretty much anything they can get their hands on, playing on the floor with the baby, building towers with my little man, playing pretend, driving tractors in the dirt, reading stories, watching treehouse, driving to gym class, playdates, going for walks, then factor in other things like grocery shoping, paying bills, or attempting to clean up with two boys running around your feet and my day can get pretty busy and hectic.
Tired seems to be a permanent fixture in my life, but its worth it to have my boys with me, being there with them every day, watching their firsts, seeing them learn and watching them grow. The moments that I have with them are some of the most amazing moments of my life! There are definitely days that I want to pull my hair out or scream. I get asked a lot "How do you do it all by yourself?". It took me a while to come up with the answer to that.
I can see how people think it's lonely being a single mom, wondering how I do it by myself. For the most part I do this alone, I'm doing the job of both Mom and Dad - I don't have a husband to vent to about daily troubles, no one to help me bath the boys, get them to bed, get up in the morning, no one to talk to about things going on with the boys, or anyone to give me a break and let me go to bed early or sleep in. I thank god a lot for my mom and dad, who help me out so much!
So my answer to the question is that I just do it! My day to day life keeps me busy enough that I don't usually realize that I'm missing any of this. I may not be enough for some people, but one thing I do know is that I'm everything to my boys. That is what gets me through every day, that's where I get my strength from. No matter how bad life can get- I love being a mom and I wouldn't change it for anything in this world, single or not!
Being a single mom can be extremely tiring, I compare it to running a marathon every single day, its physically and mentally exhausting. Everything is up to you, your kids depend solely on you, one little screw up and it's your fault, the blame rests on you. One of those lines that somedays you have to repeat to yourself, "Remember, it's only you now, they depend on you, you will get through this because you have to". Although
there is a lot of good things that come with the bad. For all of the tough times, there are those moments where the sun peaks its head out of the clouds and things just somehow get brighter and seem clearer. These are the days which make it all worth it.
Like any single mom my days are about my boys. My days basically consists of geting up by 7am, most nights not going to bed until after 11pm, lots and lots of laundry so they have clean clothes to wear since they get fithy most of the time with food, dirt, water or sand, paint, pretty much anything they can get their hands on, playing on the floor with the baby, building towers with my little man, playing pretend, driving tractors in the dirt, reading stories, watching treehouse, driving to gym class, playdates, going for walks, then factor in other things like grocery shoping, paying bills, or attempting to clean up with two boys running around your feet and my day can get pretty busy and hectic.
Tired seems to be a permanent fixture in my life, but its worth it to have my boys with me, being there with them every day, watching their firsts, seeing them learn and watching them grow. The moments that I have with them are some of the most amazing moments of my life! There are definitely days that I want to pull my hair out or scream. I get asked a lot "How do you do it all by yourself?". It took me a while to come up with the answer to that.
I can see how people think it's lonely being a single mom, wondering how I do it by myself. For the most part I do this alone, I'm doing the job of both Mom and Dad - I don't have a husband to vent to about daily troubles, no one to help me bath the boys, get them to bed, get up in the morning, no one to talk to about things going on with the boys, or anyone to give me a break and let me go to bed early or sleep in. I thank god a lot for my mom and dad, who help me out so much!
So my answer to the question is that I just do it! My day to day life keeps me busy enough that I don't usually realize that I'm missing any of this. I may not be enough for some people, but one thing I do know is that I'm everything to my boys. That is what gets me through every day, that's where I get my strength from. No matter how bad life can get- I love being a mom and I wouldn't change it for anything in this world, single or not!
Being a single mom can be extremely tiring, I compare it to running a marathon every single day, its physically and mentally exhausting. Everything is up to you, your kids depend solely on you, one little screw up and it's your fault, the blame rests on you. One of those lines that somedays you have to repeat to yourself, "Remember, it's only you now, they depend on you, you will get through this because you have to". Although
there is a lot of good things that come with the bad. For all of the tough times, there are those moments where the sun peaks its head out of the clouds and things just somehow get brighter and seem clearer. These are the days which make it all worth it.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Life and Humor
Thinking back to when I was younger I remember saying at least once to my parents, "Your embarassing me!". Being a mom I have finally realized why they do it! It's payback for all of those times when we were kids when we embarassed the crap out of them!
I'm sure I have enough embarassing stories to fill this entire page, but I want to share one with you that could possibly be the most embarassing thing that will ever happen to me, but even so, as completely embarassed as I was, looking back I can still laugh at it.
My 2 1/2 year old son is learning his words, different words for different things, everything has a different word and sometimes two alike things have different words. He used to always point to the clock on the wall when he was a baby and ask "whats that?" so I'd always tell him it was a clock. He got so used to it that he started calling watches clocks. Although being a young boy, he isn't that great with pronouncment yet, he tends to add letters to words or leave them out altogether.
So one day, when we was about 2, we are walking down the mall and he sees a big sign with a watch outside the jewlery store, he looks at me and says "cock mommy" and I of course say "yes baby that's a clock, its a small clock called a watch, its smaller than the big clock we have on the wall at home". He seems pretty content with that and so we continue down the mall. Suddenly he gets really excited, waving and pointing to this man walking towards us and screams "mommy, look a big cock!!!" - he was pointing to the guys watch! The guy looked at me and I could feel the heat starting in my face, Im sure I could have fainted right there. All I could say was "no honey that's not a clock, its a watch" loud enough that the man could hear
and keep walking. But if that wasn't bad enough, after getting our groceries, the man ended up in line right behind us. I was completely mortified.
But I think what is even harder, is trying not to laugh at them without them seeing me do it. There are times when my sons do something and as a mom, I know it's something that they shouldn't but it is just so darn funny that I actually have to turn around and stiffle a laugh or cover my mouth with my hand so that he won't see it and continue the behavior that I usually know he shouldn't continue. Like the time when my sons use of the word “fridge” sounded like “b*tch” and he ran toward the fridge while screaming, “Open the b*tch, Open the b*tch.” or about the time we are driving down the road and I about died when out of nowhere he yells “LOOK MOMMY! A F*CK A F*CK!!”, it was only after a few stunned moments that I realized a semi was driving past us and he was refering to the "Truck".
Sometimes its not even what they say but it's the determination and the defiance on their faces. I mean how do you not laugh when your two year old storms out of the room and says”I am mad at you mommy!” with this complete straight face for something so trivial as putting his spoon in the sink instead of letting him do it himself? or the time when we are driving around town and nana decides to pull into the wrong lane and my sister says "geez mom!" and the entire hour drive home my son is saying "geez mom!" for anything that I'm saying!
There is always humor in your life if you are willing to look for it. Sometimes it can be really hard to find. But I have found that with my two little boys, my life is pretty funny, they make my life a lot more funnier than it would be otherwise! And I don't think I'd have it any other way! :)
I'm sure I have enough embarassing stories to fill this entire page, but I want to share one with you that could possibly be the most embarassing thing that will ever happen to me, but even so, as completely embarassed as I was, looking back I can still laugh at it.
My 2 1/2 year old son is learning his words, different words for different things, everything has a different word and sometimes two alike things have different words. He used to always point to the clock on the wall when he was a baby and ask "whats that?" so I'd always tell him it was a clock. He got so used to it that he started calling watches clocks. Although being a young boy, he isn't that great with pronouncment yet, he tends to add letters to words or leave them out altogether.
So one day, when we was about 2, we are walking down the mall and he sees a big sign with a watch outside the jewlery store, he looks at me and says "cock mommy" and I of course say "yes baby that's a clock, its a small clock called a watch, its smaller than the big clock we have on the wall at home". He seems pretty content with that and so we continue down the mall. Suddenly he gets really excited, waving and pointing to this man walking towards us and screams "mommy, look a big cock!!!" - he was pointing to the guys watch! The guy looked at me and I could feel the heat starting in my face, Im sure I could have fainted right there. All I could say was "no honey that's not a clock, its a watch" loud enough that the man could hear
and keep walking. But if that wasn't bad enough, after getting our groceries, the man ended up in line right behind us. I was completely mortified.
But I think what is even harder, is trying not to laugh at them without them seeing me do it. There are times when my sons do something and as a mom, I know it's something that they shouldn't but it is just so darn funny that I actually have to turn around and stiffle a laugh or cover my mouth with my hand so that he won't see it and continue the behavior that I usually know he shouldn't continue. Like the time when my sons use of the word “fridge” sounded like “b*tch” and he ran toward the fridge while screaming, “Open the b*tch, Open the b*tch.” or about the time we are driving down the road and I about died when out of nowhere he yells “LOOK MOMMY! A F*CK A F*CK!!”, it was only after a few stunned moments that I realized a semi was driving past us and he was refering to the "Truck".
Sometimes its not even what they say but it's the determination and the defiance on their faces. I mean how do you not laugh when your two year old storms out of the room and says”I am mad at you mommy!” with this complete straight face for something so trivial as putting his spoon in the sink instead of letting him do it himself? or the time when we are driving around town and nana decides to pull into the wrong lane and my sister says "geez mom!" and the entire hour drive home my son is saying "geez mom!" for anything that I'm saying!
There is always humor in your life if you are willing to look for it. Sometimes it can be really hard to find. But I have found that with my two little boys, my life is pretty funny, they make my life a lot more funnier than it would be otherwise! And I don't think I'd have it any other way! :)
Friday, June 1, 2012
on Forgiving
Forgiving can be defined as excusing a fault or offence or renouncing anger or resentment against something.
In the past I forgave others and have been forgiven also but some situations are easier to forgive than others. For example, when I was a teenager and my sister "borrowed" my clothes without ever giving it back, it was an easy situation to forgive, give us a day or two, a bit of yelling and things went back to normal. But in other situations, hard, life changing situations, forgiveness is difficult and forgetting can be impossible for a lot of people. I mean how can people be expected to forget some of the most painful experiences of their lives?
Forgiveness is a choice. But forgetting a past hurt or deceit is a little more than simply excusing a situation or letting it go. Arnold Patent said, “forgiveness is not letting bygones be bygones. It is coming to the realization that, seen from the spiritual perspective, nothing wrong ever happened. Therefore there is nothing to forgive.” We are so concerned about the inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering. Thinking "How could they have done this to me?" or the dreaded "why?". "Why did it happen?" "What could I have done to change it?" The questions that sometimes don't get an answer and burns right through us, bringing us more and more to think of our own answers "Maybe I..." or "If only....". Willing us to think about our past and try to change what has already been said and done, as if it would make things better, easier somehow.
Forgiveness can't be wished. We can make a decision to forgive someone but that's it. It will happen when it happens. We say, “time heals all wounds.” I don't think this is true. It isn't the time that heals, it is when we just get tired of holding onto the anger and resentment that the person or situation has caused us. Sometimes it can take years and sometimes lifetimes, for some people it eats at them until they are gone and they never fully release it.
I mean sometimes you have to meet people halfway. It means that you may never get over your anger or resentment towards that person or situation. You may never fully forgive someone for something they have done. I find what helps is staying around people who make you feel good, it's an act of looking out for yourself. A guarantee that maybe, just maybe, you can avoid being hurt again by the same type of situation.
So I guess my question comes down to can I finally forgive the things in my past? I wish I knew the answer. I have wasted so much time & energy crying over situations that I can't change, things in my past that I will never be able to know, questions I will never have answered. I constantly wish that I have it in my heard to forgive & forget and set myself free from the misery that these questions cause.
But after more than a year of emotional turmoil, my focus has changed. My inability to forgive was eating me up and I need to get better.when you don't forgive someone, it can eat you up inside. It's not healthy to keep resentment bottled up inside of you. It is now, that I have decided not to forgive exactly, but allow myself to let go of those things in my past that have haunted me, the things that constantly drive me crazy thinking about them. It's time for me to let it go, get it off of my chest and really use that strength that everyone keeps telling me that I have.
It's time for me to leave it all in the past, to focus on me, my boys and our future. It's time for me to be happy!
In the past I forgave others and have been forgiven also but some situations are easier to forgive than others. For example, when I was a teenager and my sister "borrowed" my clothes without ever giving it back, it was an easy situation to forgive, give us a day or two, a bit of yelling and things went back to normal. But in other situations, hard, life changing situations, forgiveness is difficult and forgetting can be impossible for a lot of people. I mean how can people be expected to forget some of the most painful experiences of their lives?
Forgiveness is a choice. But forgetting a past hurt or deceit is a little more than simply excusing a situation or letting it go. Arnold Patent said, “forgiveness is not letting bygones be bygones. It is coming to the realization that, seen from the spiritual perspective, nothing wrong ever happened. Therefore there is nothing to forgive.” We are so concerned about the inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering. Thinking "How could they have done this to me?" or the dreaded "why?". "Why did it happen?" "What could I have done to change it?" The questions that sometimes don't get an answer and burns right through us, bringing us more and more to think of our own answers "Maybe I..." or "If only....". Willing us to think about our past and try to change what has already been said and done, as if it would make things better, easier somehow.
Forgiveness can't be wished. We can make a decision to forgive someone but that's it. It will happen when it happens. We say, “time heals all wounds.” I don't think this is true. It isn't the time that heals, it is when we just get tired of holding onto the anger and resentment that the person or situation has caused us. Sometimes it can take years and sometimes lifetimes, for some people it eats at them until they are gone and they never fully release it.
I mean sometimes you have to meet people halfway. It means that you may never get over your anger or resentment towards that person or situation. You may never fully forgive someone for something they have done. I find what helps is staying around people who make you feel good, it's an act of looking out for yourself. A guarantee that maybe, just maybe, you can avoid being hurt again by the same type of situation.
So I guess my question comes down to can I finally forgive the things in my past? I wish I knew the answer. I have wasted so much time & energy crying over situations that I can't change, things in my past that I will never be able to know, questions I will never have answered. I constantly wish that I have it in my heard to forgive & forget and set myself free from the misery that these questions cause.
But after more than a year of emotional turmoil, my focus has changed. My inability to forgive was eating me up and I need to get better.when you don't forgive someone, it can eat you up inside. It's not healthy to keep resentment bottled up inside of you. It is now, that I have decided not to forgive exactly, but allow myself to let go of those things in my past that have haunted me, the things that constantly drive me crazy thinking about them. It's time for me to let it go, get it off of my chest and really use that strength that everyone keeps telling me that I have.
It's time for me to leave it all in the past, to focus on me, my boys and our future. It's time for me to be happy!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mothers Day
expectations, a card, flowers, maybe a nice dinner - after all it was my first mothers day....right?
In the days leading up to Mothers Day, I was such a proud new mom. I had gone through 9 months of pregnancy, gained a whole lot more weight than I cared to admit, went through the cravings, the morning sickness.....and afternoon and evening sickness, the mood swings and the stretch marks. I had grown a beautiful baby boy inside my body, protecting him right up until my due date, when I actually went into
labor on my own. After 13 hours of labor with absolutely no drugs and two hours of pushing a baby that should have been sectioned - I finally delivered my 9 lb 12.7 oz baby boy.
After the longest two minutes of my life, after suction and an oxygen mask he finally began crying and so did I. I felt on top of the world when they placed him in my arms. I had done it, he was finally here.
My whole life changed in that moment. I no longer cared how I looked, was my hair ok? did I have makeup on? was there really a need for this many people to be running around while I was practically naked? Nope, none of that mattered, I was on cloud 9. Tristan had made it into the world and all I could do was look at his precious little face and smile. All of the exhaustion and pain I felt was gone, I didn't feel the least bit drained, in fact I don't remember feeling much of anything except pure bliss, like nothing I had ever felt before. The hospital could have crumbled around me and I wouldn't have known it because all I knew was he was here
and he was perfect, a little blue, but perfect!
He was 7 months old on my first Mothers Day, a beautiful little piece of my life, my whole world. I spent the day crawling around the floor with him, playing and thinking how I was so blessed to have him in my life. I thought I had everything I had wanted, a beautiful baby boy, a man who loved me and what could be bad about that?
Although as sad as it is to say, I was bitter that day. I'm sure your asking now, what was there to be bitter about? I just said I had it all - right? I think it was the expectation I had put forth of that day. I was a first time mom, I had went through so much - I thought I deserved to be recognized for it, afterall I had went through so much.
My own mother had gotten me an absolutely beautiful and moving card about growing up and how amazing it was to see her little girl become a mother, a card that filled me with tears and left me speechless. But that was the only card I received that day, I felt betrayed and angry. How had he forgotten all about my first mothers day? Afterall, I gave birth to HIS child, and he couldn't even take the time to give me a card. Something so significant in my life, meant absolutely nothing to the man I loved. I truly felt like my first mothers day had been ruined.
It has been a few years since that day, I've got through a few Mothers Day's now and I have grown up so much since then. This year will be another first, a first Mother's day with my 2nd little boy and my first Mother's day as a single mom. Both a little scary, but even so I am looking forward to it. I no longer think of Mother's Day as a day for me to be recognized - I think of it now as I day where I should be thankful. I have been blessed with two amazing little boys, who fill my life every day with happiness, craziness,
blissfulness,and exhaustion somedays but I wouldn't change it for the world.
I've been asked if I ever get Bored being a mom, doing the same things over and over.My answer to that.....Bored? Who has time to be bored when you have two kids? I definitely don't have time to be bored, or to go out to a bar every night, or to spend free time watching movies,- I spend my time with my boys, playing trucks, or coloring, or watching the same shows over and over, my tv is always on treehouse, my washer and dryer are always going, some days I give more than one bath to the same baby, sing the same song or read the same story 5 times in a row. I don't look like a model, I'm not a size 7 anymore, I don't get to dress up and wear makeup every day, usually I've got baby food on my clothes and cookies in my hair but I have so much more!Every night I get to hear "Good Night, I love you mommy" as I tuck my whole life into bed, I get to hold hands with the two most precious boys in the world, I get more hugs and kisses in a day than I can count - it might not be a glamorous life but I AM TRULY BLESSED!
I am a VERY proud single mom, I love my children more than anything in the world and I wouldn't give it up for ANYTHING!
I leave you with this beautiful little story I read tonight. A baby asked God " They tell me You are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God said " Your Angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you." The baby asked " Who will protect me?" God said your Angel will defend you even if it means risking her life." The baby said " God please tell me my Angels name!" God said you will call her MOMMY!!!"
So to all of the Mothers out there - HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! I truly hope that you all feel as blessed as I do to be able to have this day and say "Yes I am a Mommy and I truly proud of it!"
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| Me and Tristan just after his birth |
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| Me and Cameron - holding him for the first time |
Friday, May 11, 2012
Growing up
I posted to my facebook today, as a little rant and someone mentioned to me that I should start a blog....so I've done just that!
So here it is, my first blog entry entitled "Growing Up"
Some people don't grow up. They age. They find parking spaces, get credit cards, find relationships, have children, Yet they can't part from their youthful days long enough to realize what they are missing and they call that maturity. Maturity is when your world opens up and you realize that you are not the center of it!
I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list. I've learned that the center of my world are two beautiful little boys, who give me all the joy a mother could ask for. I don't need to keep looking back and trying to re-experience my youth, I get to live as a grown up and watch my boys experience theirs and grow into the men that I know I will always be proud of.
I'm perfectly fine with growing up.....Although one of the oddest things about it is looking back at something you thought you knew and finding out the truth of it was completely different from what you had always believed.
******PLEASE NOTE: Some of the quotes in this blog are not written by me, they are some that I have heard before, either in passing, in books, etc.******
So here it is, my first blog entry entitled "Growing Up"
Some people don't grow up. They age. They find parking spaces, get credit cards, find relationships, have children, Yet they can't part from their youthful days long enough to realize what they are missing and they call that maturity. Maturity is when your world opens up and you realize that you are not the center of it!
I've found that growing up can mean a lot of things. For me, it doesn't mean I should become somebody completely new and stop loving the things I used to love. It means I've just added more things to my list. I've learned that the center of my world are two beautiful little boys, who give me all the joy a mother could ask for. I don't need to keep looking back and trying to re-experience my youth, I get to live as a grown up and watch my boys experience theirs and grow into the men that I know I will always be proud of.
I'm perfectly fine with growing up.....Although one of the oddest things about it is looking back at something you thought you knew and finding out the truth of it was completely different from what you had always believed.
******PLEASE NOTE: Some of the quotes in this blog are not written by me, they are some that I have heard before, either in passing, in books, etc.******
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